I recently received the following message from an individual interested in me based on my profile on the popular online-dating vehicle okcupid. While I typically let such inquiries go, I felt it necessary to respond to this individual, as based on his message he seemed quite eager to hit the ground running.
Thanks for writing! It’s so encouraging to see that after all these years we still have individuals ready to step up to the plate and take on the slave role. Particularly topical considering the recent release of the much-buzzed-about Steve-McQueen film “12 Years a Slave.” I digress.
Unfortunately, I do have someone in my employ currently occupying that position, but my Minion position remains vacant, troublesome considering how popular “Despicable Me 2” has made them. Do you have any interest in the Minion position?
I must admit – the pay (in caresses) is minimal. Entry-level position, but great opportunities for advancement! While your email states that you will be able to please me, I should probably note that I am not easily pleased/amused. Think McKayla Maroney at the 2012 Summer Olympics.
Anyhoo, can you tell me a bit about yourself so I can assess your suitability for this role from my end?
I’m specifically looking for your answers and thoughts in regards to:
- Experience with Microsoft Office Suite?
- Ability to coordinate domestic and international travel?
- Experience with turn-down service?
- Ability to stand on your feet 14-17 hours at a time?
- Please detail your experience with large, manual fans (Elizabeth Taylor in 1963’s Cleopatra)
- Confidence in your ability to find new music I’ll like within a song’s first 32 measures
- Willingness to wear many hats – and when I say many hats, I actually mean physical hats – top hats, newsboy caps, berets, et al
If you feel pretty good about your abilities in these arenas, I encourage you to write back! Don’t let a low GPA hold you back; it’s only required as part of the background check.
Hugs and light,